The concept of THE ONE, also known as soul mate has been fed to us since we were little…Disney cartoons like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White or romcoms movies where the leading man and lady lives happily ever after sounds wonderful but in real life, happily ever after takes a lot of work and commitment to get there. The idea that there is only one person out there for us can set us up for unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships.
To put it in practical terms, to find THE ONE in a world of 7.8 billion people is almost impossible. Perhaps it would be more realistic to reframe this concept to “THE ONE AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME”. The partner you would think of as THE ONE in your 20s might not be the same one in your 30s, 40s, or other stages in your life simply because life’s experiences shapes us and helps us grow as we mature with time. Two people who have lasted 10, 20, 50 or a lifetime together are the ones who found each other at the right moment and worked hard at keeping the relationship going and the flame burning. Fireworks razzle, dazzle and fizzles just as fast, but it is the charcoal log that burns slow lasts through the night.
Those who lean towards purely romantic destiny (or soulmates) believe people “click” and are meant to be together. As a result, those beliefs tend to drive those who believe in “the one” to be intensely passionate and satisfied with partners at first, particularly while things are compatible. Much like the fireworks concept, the relationship is filled with insane chemistry between the partners and when problems inevitably arise, believers in soul mates often don’t cope well and chances of leaving the relationship might be higher as it did not fit the ‘happily ever after’ framework. They simply look elsewhere for their “true” match.
Having a mindset of romantic growth instead of purely romantic destiny would be a healthier alternative. People who believe in the cultivation of romance will look for a person who can work and grow with them, resolving conflict as they arise. Like the charcoal log example earlier, a romantic growth individual might not have the same intense, euphoric response to partner connections in the beginning. However, as time passes, they choose to stay committed to their partner, resulting in longer and more satisfying relationships over time.
Life is not a Disney cartoon where Prince Charming and his fair maiden ride off into the sunset and lived happily ever after. Living happily ever after is very much possible, it just requires shattering the illusion of the concept of THE ONE. Instead it is ultimately about choosing to commit and to work on the imperfectly perfect relationship between two imperfect beings.
In a person, a blind spot can mean an area where a person fails to exercise judgment, awareness, or perspective. In a relationship, a blind spot can mean any area a person fails to recognize is impacting their relationship either in a negative way or as a needed growth area.
In technical terms, a blind spot is a range of view that is blocked. For example, while driving you may not see a motorcycle zoom past you even when you look at your side view mirror.
This is because it may have been your blind spot. This is also why we sometimes hear about how accidents happen when someone reverses their car.
Shedding light on blind spots can make the difference in whether your romantic relationship thrives or fails. We all have blind spots as we are only human (with flaws). Bringing your blind spots to awareness and understanding what yours may be can have a lasting impact on the quality of your relationships, both in the romantic and non-romantic sense. To overcome blind spots, we can practice asking ourselves (or you can do this with your partner!) the following three questions:
What can of person am I becoming?
As humans we are constantly changing….every minute, day, week, month and year based on our experiences. Asking ourselves this question shows a willingness to look at yourself. Learning to be as honest as possible with yourself is key; understanding that conflicts and problems in your relationship aren’t just about your spouse’s faults, personality, or behaviour. It takes two people to have a healthy and strong relationship. It starts with you.
We all come into our relationships as unique individuals with different histories and relationship experiences. Additionally, we all have different familial background and ways we modelled love, affection, and comfort. Understanding how your background has influenced and shaped you is important.
Is your communication style with your partner effective?
Dr. John Gottman, one of the foremost experts on couples with over four decades of research, reports he can predict with 94% accuracy whether a couple will break up. He does this by observing them for 15 minutes while they try to resolve an ongoing disagreement.
Based on his research, it is the way a couple argues that indicates whether they will remain together. He cites contempt as the number one culprit; if a couple continues with this type of communication style over time, they will most likely break up, or if it is a marriage, get a divorce.
Contempt is attacking your partner’s sense of self by conveying disgust. It can be expressed both verbally and non-verbally. Verbally, it is often expressed as harsh judgment, insults, sarcasm, hostile humour, and name-calling. Non-verbally, it can be expressed by rolling eyes, a dirty look, curling the lips, or sneering. Oftentimes, couples do not realize they are displaying signs of contempt when communicating with their partners. Making a conscious effort to notice these verbal and non-verbal expressions are important in creating a better environment for one another.
Is your communication style impacting your relationship in a positive or negative way? This question is an excellent topic to bring up when your partner perhaps over a meal or a drink, when both are in a relaxed state. Having an open, honest discussion from time-to-time is a good way to ensure both parties are happy with how each partner is communicating.
Do you practice clear boundaries in your relationship?
Often in relationships, boundaries can become blurred. It is good to establish clear boundaries between your partner and yourself as good boundaries can keep you from stumbling and falling on the slippery slope of infidelity and other unsavoury behaviours.
A boundary is a clear line of demarcation. One should actively be putting up clear lines around our personal boundary and our relationship boundary as well. When we do so, we are stating claim to what is ours and what we will accept and do not accept. Good boundaries apply to our behaviours, thoughts, feelings, choices, and decisions. A healthy relationship is when a couple respects each other’s’ boundary and the boundary of the relationship for the couple itself.
Asking the above three questions is a good place to start when examining our own blind spots. The questions posed are not exhaustive, but they can be helpful.
Relationships take work; it can be viewed as your personal investment. A good relationship between your partner and your will create positive ripples in other areas of your life. The blind spots you identify and work on can also be used in your relationship with your parents, children, work environment and so on. In short, you have everything to gain when working on your blind spots!
Do you find yourself loving someone for some of their qualities and disliking other parts of them, so much that you can’t bear to continue the relationship?
I had my fair share of choosing the wrong matches. Why? Because it was important to me that my other half is extremely humourous and tall, as I find that very attractive.
I tend to fall for the bad-boys, all that excitement, adventures, lust and spontaneity. Those qualities are definitely nice to have, but what’s more important are the qualities that can last for years, things that grow the bond and the love and things that make 2 people happy to be with each other.
Relationships are not easy, however choosing a right match could possibly make things a little easier on your path to being together. When long-term goals come into reality, the important aspects that truly matter are none of the above that I mentioned. It is what’s beyond the surface of a person, the inner qualities, the well-rounded person who has a balance of everything. We tend to be very attracted to one or two extremes, which usually fade off. After a while, you’ll know that the attraction has died and the qualities that makes a lasting relationship are absent.
So what can you do differently now? Try looking beyond a person’s age, looks, financial status, race and even gender. What are their inner qualities? It might not strike you immediately that you are oh-so-attracted to them, no thunder lightning sparks going crazy but observe them as a whole person. Get to know them, go on a few dates and you might find something that’s comforting, warm and fulfilling there.
