by HeartWorks | Sep 20, 2015 | NST Column |
As Published on New Straits Times – 16 August 2015
All emotions are intrinsically useful, and we need to learn and be more aware of managing them, writes Jaime Shine
There was a point in my life that I was struggling to make ends meet. It was the worse kind of feelings – devastation, feeling stuck and hopeless. Those were really dark times. My friends would be kind and offer words of encouragement like, “It’s going to be ok” and “Just think positive”, but nothing is positive about it. I did my best to perk myself up but no matter how hard I tried to do those positive affirmations and think positive it was not working for me. Fear and insecurities were just overwhelming.
Thankfully, I reached out for professional help and I am so glad that I did. I went on a journey of discovery and understood why I am feeling the way I did and how I can manage my emotions. At the same time, I learned techniques to change the way I think, my perspective and techniques for self-empowerment. I started to feel the relief I have not felt in a long time. I became more confident, less fearful and shift from feeling negative everyday to feeling that I can change my life around. I then understood that one couldn’t think positivity effectively until you really feel them. My life changed and this processes made such a huge impact in my life that I decided to make a career out of it: to help as many people understand about their emotions so they too can feel more empowered in their lives.
Managing our emotions is not something that is taught to us. We are fed with beliefs like ‘Boys don’t cry’ or ‘Never show your anger in public’. We are taught to suppress them because showing emotions mean we are weak. Yet all emotions are useful, they give us information about ourselves. Emotions like anger or guilt sends us signals that something is not working in our lives and change needs to happen. All emotions are intrinsically useful, it is the managing of these emotions that we need to learn and be more aware of.
PRACTISE MAKES PROGRESS
Here is the first process you can lean to release any overwhelming emotions that may be causing you stress or anxiety. Practice this everyday and you will be able to see a shift in your life for the better.
STEP 1
Find a condusive environment where you can be alone for 5 – 10 minutes. It can be at the park, in a cubicle, at home; anywhere that you can be with yourself and undisturbed. To begin, sit in a comfortable position on a chair or on the floor and focus on your breathing, relaxing yourself down. You can open your eyes or close them, try them both and see what works for you. As long as you are able to stay still and be very present with yourself.
STEP 2
Continue to focus on your breathing and relax. Now turn your awareness to your body and take notice if there is anything that is uncomfortable, tense, tight or painful. If you mind comes in with any distractions, just focus on your breathing and shift your focus again to your body.
Give yourself time to find this, you may or may not be open or aware of this if you have been used to suppression or distraction as a form of managing them but do persevere. Once you found an area where it is uncomfortable, tense, tight or painful, just keep your focus on it. If there is more than one area, pick one to work on.
STEP 3
When you have found that area, just keep breathing into it. Allow yourself to go deeper into those sensations and continue to allow yourself to go deeper and just be okay with feeling any sensations or emotions that is coming up for you. You may be overwhelmed by this, or not, so just keep at it and allow yourself full permission to go into this. Dropping deeper and deeper than before.
STEP 4
Once you have reached the deepest levels of that feeling, all you need is to feel it all. Just stay with it for while and focus on breathing into it even more. Once you have felt it all, you will start to feel a sense of relief. When the relief comes, focus on your exhalation and as if you are emptying out the sensation, see it leave your body like gas. With each exhalation, your breathe it out from your body. Inhaling positivity in, then exhaling out all the negativity until there is nothing left to feel. You may feel lighter and more at peace after this process. That is when you know that it is complete.
There may be certain information coming up while you are doing this process. A certain person or situation that has contributed to these sensations or something that you are upset about that surfaces or strong emotions that may come up. It is all normal and part of the process. Just continue to allow whatever you are feeling to surface. It may take more than one sitting to work on deeper issues but you will always feel relief after.
For your first time, you may want to work with someone else and take turns. I strongly encourage you to do this every day afterward and you will feel much lighter and more positive onwards to your road to emotional wellbeing.
by HeartWorks | Sep 20, 2015 | NST Column |
As Published on New Straits Times – 16 August 2015
Journey into Personal Independence by Jaime Shine
Each year Malaysians come together to celebrate “Hari Kemerdekaan” marking the joyous occasion of our independence day. Founded on the principles of liberty and justice, welfare and happiness of its people and maintenance of just peace among all nations, we seek our right to be free. As we get psyched up about the festivities, let us also explore the spirit of Independence Day within ourselves as an individual.
Being personally independent means that you are able to think and act for yourself and not be subjected to another’s authority or jurisdiction. It also means that you are free to be whatever you want to be, to take appropriate action and do what is right for yourself and not have to weigh your decisions based on how people think or perceive you to be. You will not be dependent on others for assistance or support but be competent, self confident and empowered.
Yet a lot of us are stuck in this dilemma of doing what is right in society’s eyes or what pleases my family most rather than act upon our true heart’s desires. We consciously or unconsciously weigh our options and make calculated decisions based on perceptions and expectations of other’s even if all you ever wanted to do is dance and sing and not a law degree or settling in a marriage just because it’s the right thing to do.
These decisions are the ones that inevitably put us into a jail like dilemma bringing us even deeper into a spiral of personal imprisonment thinking there is no way out and feelings or unhappiness and resentment that grows more and more everyday. And you wonder why there is so much rage everywhere.
Despite it all, it is never too late to make changes. Even our Independence took decades of fights and changes from colonial rule to communism to anti-colonial nationalism and finally independence. Likewise, your journey into personal independence can be crafted and shaped into your life through these steps.
Practise Makes Progress
4 Steps to create Personal Independence
1 Acknowledge where you are now
Taking stock on what is not working in your life right now is a good place to start. When we are unhappy, it means we are not doing what is best for us and something needs to change. We are creatures of self-improvement and will always have a deep wanting to be a better version of ourselves. So as you reflect upon what needs to change to make your life better, you are able to see the areas in which you would want to improve. Make sure you are totally honest with yourself in this process. If you cant see it, ask a friend to assist and point out areas in which you seem to complain a lot about – it’s the biggest clue!
2 Listening to your Heart
To get to where you would like to be, you really want to spend some time listening inward to what your heart’s true desires are. It is that nudging voice, that passionate tug at the heart that may sometimes be laden with fear but yet always calling out to you to go at it. It’s that gut feel, that inner knowingness of what you are meant to be. Meditation or any practise that can help quiet the mind will get you into your heart space where you can really listen.
3 Owning your Life
When you know where you are and where you would like to go, you can now craft a vision of what you want to create. Without limiting yourself with questions of “How do I get there” but keep the focus on “What do I want to create” you can eliminate all the mind chatter and own up to what you really want for your life.
4 One Step at a Time
Change is inevitable but can also create great resistance. Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith but most times you would just want to take that next step. There are no right or wrong steps. Remove the labels and just take one step forward. It may be taking that dance class or enrolling in a workshop on your favorite subject, or perhaps taking a break from that unfulfilling relationship. Just one step forward will allow you to discover the possibilities of whether this new state will suit you, or not. As if you have never played the piano, how would you ever know if you like it or not?
Remember, the key is to follow your heart and make empowered choices and you are well on your way. Happy Personal Independence Day! May you continue to celebrate the greatness of your existence everyday! After all, YOU are part of what makes a country great.
by HeartWorks | Sep 20, 2015 | NST Column |
As Published on New Straits Times – 16 August 2015
There are many ways to strengthen family relationship, write Jaime Shine
What does family mean to you? For most people it is the greatest source of joy and happiness, the reason to live in this demanding world today. A source of comfort and belonging that none can replace. On the flip side, it mirrors some of our deepest pains and infliction of unhappiness. We have put them in such a deep place in our hearts that when friction arises, it hurts the most and causes the greatest amount of misery.
Despite its importance, most families are not aware of the efforts it takes to maintain positive and harmonious relationships within their family. Unfortunately these skills are not taught in schools and unless you are very self aware of your relationship wellbeing, chances are, you will pick up all the traits from your parents and become them or be a rebellion version of them.
These principles are not new, but rather in our technologically inclined society today where the phone has become your best friend and family, it is just missing. So here are key values every family can instill into their lives to create a harmonious and fulfilling relationship for all.
Inspire Love
We all love our family. Yes we do. Even through the days when they are a pain. Feeling the love for our family is the best value you can instill in yourself and your children. But there is a difference between love and responsibility. Love brings forth the wanting to show and continuously engage in giving and receiving love naturally. However responsibility is fueled by duty. Take a moment to ask yourself, when you are doing something for your family is it out of love or responsibility. When you pay attention to what drives your motivation, you will be able to switch it around. For some, love does not come naturally, instead responsibility does.
Show Respect
An old philosophy suggests that respect is earned, not given. I would say, show respect first and you will receive respect. There are a few keys areas to demonstrate that respect for fellow family members and the most important are: to respect a family member’s need for space and growth, entitlement for an opinion, responsibility for one’s decisions and actions, respecting someone’s time and presence.
Perhaps one of the hardest things for parents to do is to stand back and allow your child to make decisions thinking that it may be a costly mistake. I encourage you to stand back and allow their opinions, choices and decisions to take form. You may think that it will safeguard them from harm by wanting to protect them, however, this growth phrase of making decisions and learning from mistakes inevitably needs to happen for them to grow.
Practise allowing your child or family member to go through what they need to go through to learn, be supportive instead of discouraging no matter what you think of it. Shower advises, but leave the ultimate decision to them. You will see how they will blossom out of their experiences through time.
Be Kind
Have you notice that we can be extra kind and courteous to a stranger on the street yet take it for granted to be courteous to our own family? It can be the tone we use or forgetting to say “Please”, “Thank you” or “You’re welcome” regularly, thinking that they wont mind and will understand. Perhaps feeling a little entitled and expecting our family to do things for us anyway.
A little kindness really goes a long way. Being kind to each other fosters deep bonds and love within yourself and for others. Practise being courteous again, and in time, it will be reciprocated.
Communicate consistently
The most important thing for deep family bond boils down to communication. So many disruptions in relationships happen when there is a communication breakdown. Feelings that needed to be expressed are not shown or spoken about and the truth is hidden and resentment harbors.
As a rule of thumb always say what you mean and mean what you say. Be honest and truthful in your communication and always be tactful when expressing sensitive issues. It may not be easy initially to always speak the truth and express exactly how you feel but through practise it will get easier.
PRACTISE MAKES PROGRESS
Here are practical steps you can do to create better family harmony now.
Show your Love
Practise showing love and gratitude to each other, especially the little things and say it when you feel it.
Show respect
Acknowledge someone’s presence in the room, allow others to their opinions and decision making and be supportive.
Be kind all the time
Mind your please, thank you’s and apologise when you need to. We all make mistakes, owning up to them teaches and shows great courage.
Speak up
Always communicate your feelings truthfully and be there to listen when someone does. Your attention and presence makes them feel heard.
by HeartWorks | Sep 20, 2015 | NST Column |
As Published on New Straits Times – 2 August 2015
More People are moving into a proactive, integrated, wellness-oriented approach to improve their lives, writes Jaime Shine
More and more people are aware of the term wellness as being more than just a spa experience but a holistic approach to better quality of life. People are adjusting from reactive, conventional, medical oriented, problem solving approach to a proactive, integrated, wellness oriented approach to improve one’s life.
It is evident through statistics that there has been a huge shift in recent years as political and business leaders around the world and companies like Google and Accenture have put health and wellness in place to improve productivity and a create a happier workplace. It is a US$3.4 trillion market that includes preventive health, alternative medicine, workplace wellness, wellness real estate and global wellness tourism. At 3.4 times larger than the worldwide pharmaceutical industry, it is a force to be reckoned with.
So what does wellbeing mean to you and your family and how do you include it in your life? In my context wellbeing, simply defined is a state of being healthy and happy, having a sense of belonging and connection to others and to a purpose in life. It can be expanded into 5 different aspects, and when improved, can have positive affects to all areas of our lives.
PHYSICAL WELLBEING – MOVE
Our body is a temple. A functional one is having a healthy, fit and strong body allowing you to go and do whatever your heart desires. It is the energy and stamina to go the extra mile, pushing through the elements, having perseverance and being able to finish what you started.
The dysfunctional physical body ranges from sleep disorders, spinal injuries, pain to illnesses and diseases. All of which put a damper into our spirits, as we are then unable to move forward to achieve what we have set out for.
MENTAL WELLBEING – THINK
Without a doubt our mind is a brilliant entity. It creates our thoughts, perceptions and concepts, stores our memories, focus our intentions and allows us to analyse, strategise and more. A functional one is a conscious mind, fully aware of everything that is happening to you internally and externally in the present moment.
A dysfunctional one is the monkey mind, always turned on, unable to relax, constant analyzing, filled with doubts and worries, overly self critical and causing stress, anxiety, depression and even mental illnesses.
EMOTIONAL WELLBEING – FEEL
Perhaps the most overlooked but powerful aspect of our being is our emotions. When fully functional, it allows us to tap into and connect deeply within ourselves and use our natural ability and acumen that is our second brain – the heart, to decipher all the information available to us. It acts as a guide, fuels us to make decisions and carry out our actions.
When dysfunctional, emotions like fear can be crippling, anger can be destructive and sadness, heart breaking. When we are unable to comprehend our emotions, we will feel stuckness or stagnation, hindering other aspects of our wellbeing.
RELATIONSHIP WELLBEING – CONNECT
We all naturally crave for connection to fellow human beings as it makes life more meaningful. In essence, anyone that you form a connection with is a relationship. These can be with people or an entity – family, your romantic partner, work relationships, friendships, relationship with money, self and a higher intelligence than ourselves, the Divine are all relationships. When functional, your relationships bring you great love and joy, a sense of support and belonging in your life. When dysfunctional, it can create the greatest pain, heartache you have ever experience and the rest of your life no matter how functional can be destroyed together with it.
SPIRITUAL WELLBEING – LIVE
Lastly, the core and essence of living holistically, the one that links them all together is Spiritual Wellbeing – how you choose to live your Life. Spiritual wellbeing must not be mistaken for a religious practise, instead it is living life in an empowered way where you have a choice to decide for yourself; stripped bare of any religious, cultural or society’s influence.
When dysfunctional, you make choices based on what your parents say, what society thinks or how you are supposed to behave. When it is fully functional, you make empowered decisions based on what makes your heart sing aligned with your passion and purpose. When you give yourself the permission to do whatever that your heart desires, your creativity and passion is born and so is your purpose.
The old school success formula has always been study hard, get good grades, get a good job, rise among the ranks and earn lots of money in the process. The new success formula will be to incorporate total wellbeing in your life. Uncover your dreams and passions, strategise to make it happen, develop meaningful relationships as your support system, fuel your physically fit body and use your emotional acumen to drive you there. The result: a happy, meaningful, prosperous and fulfilled life.
The question therefore lies in not whether or not you want to incorporate wellness into your life but can you afford not to?
