How many times have you experienced a situation when someone gave you a compliment and your first response is to blush and play it down?
“I’m not REALLY brave, beautiful, generous, kind, brilliant or any of that good stuff. You’re just saying that because you don’t really know me. If you did you wouldn’t say such nice things.” Another response might be to regard such statements with suspicion, “What do they want from me this time?”
I am intimately familiar with these responses because, for a long time, these were the thoughts that would run through my head every time someone would say something nice to me. I was convinced that if they knew the ‘truth’ about me they wouldn’t say these things anymore. Somehow, I found it far easier to believe that I was ugly, unlovable and a generally terrible person than that I was a person of value and that there were people who could see that in me.
In spite of my strong, and dearly held, negative beliefs about myself, I did have a deep love for my friends and eventually I found myself faced with a dilemma. I could insist that I was a horrible unlovable person and believe that they were either fools or bad judges of character, or I could honour them for the amazing people that I saw them to be and accept that there might be some truth to their compliments.
The funny thing was that I often saw myself mirrored in them. I would acknowledge what I saw in these beautiful, amazing people I called my friends only to have my compliments unceremoniously rejected.
“No, no, I’m not REALLY like that. You’re just being nice.”
After one of the times it happened, I thought to myself, “Are they calling me a liar or a fool for not knowing what I am seeing?”
I realized with a shock, that was what I had been doing every time I had rejected someone else’s compliment. I was not honoring their generosity and willingness to acknowledge the better parts of myself. It did not mean that I was not still the things I believed, but I had to be more than that, there had to be more that these people were pointing to.
The feedback my friends give me are profound gifts that help me discover the real truth of what my strengths are and the highlight the best parts of me, especially when it seems hidden and goodness seems hard to find. It is part of what has given me a choice on who I want to be and who I know I can be. These days, I treat each compliment like it’s a treasure, knowing that when someone gifts it to me, they are also recognizing a part of themselves that is just as beautiful and just as great.
What is your experience with compliments? What would be different if you practiced gracious acceptance of compliments? Let us know in the comments below.
Nadine Valdes is a professional life coach who works with people to discover their true purpose, create loving relationships and lead fulfilled lives. She is happily married and loves all things related to music, movies, transformation and spiritual development. Nadine practises in HeartWorks